Selfish

I've just realized that actually I am a self-centered person. I actually do not care about others. What I really do care is myself. Just like Eun Jo in Cinderella Sisters, a self-centered step sister that wanted to have her own world without anyone else in it except the person she loved. Afraid of any commitment because don't want to get hurt. Doing things that only will bring benefits to me. I'm selfish alright. I'm tired of everything. I'm hurt. I don't want you to know. I really hate you, you and your world. I hate to even think of you.

Inner Loathing

Honestly, I have this one person that I knew since my childhood. He is the smartest person that I ever known. He’s good in sport, education, and God knows what else. He got this personality that makes everybody start liking him the moment they knew his name. He is a good friend though we never quite talk to each other. And since childhood, I knew that this one little girl who also a very good friend of mine had given her heart to him and wish that they would become husband and wife. Until today, without fail, I can still see it in her eyes that she wanted him.

I think I am not a good friend of his. I realized that whenever I know a little bit about him, it end up giving me heart ache and misery. Why do I have to feel this way? It’s wrong. Definitely wrong. So I’ve made my mind. What the use of having this inner loathing. What the use of thinking about him anyway. Silly me. Let him be. I will let him be.

Thinking of You

Katy Perry

Never To Take Sides.

Out of the blue, he slammed the door shut. It made a loud bang, and of course it had made all the members in the house jaws dropped.

“What was that?”

“What happened?”

“Why is he mad?”

“What is wrong with him this time?”

One by one, these questions appeared but none of them are verbally spoken. Everybody knows what it’s like when he’s angry. Some of us even silently whispered our prayers so that he’ll never do anything stupid. Most of us don’t even have the slightest clue of what have gotten into him. What we knew was at least that “someone” has made him mad “again”.

Nobody likes to see other people when they’re angry. But yet, people keeps on making ‘reasons’ for one to be angry. It’s scary when you see other people faces rise in anger…

Sometime it feels like what I have worked to made him change was totally useless. It is actually simple to figure him out~ he is a short tempered person. Seeing he’s upset again really make me worried. The trust that he had given can easily be snapped away.

These holidays have given me the chance to be there for him. Well maybe for others he seems to have making the wrong choice earlier and now he is suffering the consequences. For me, he is still the same old him. But what I’m afraid is I can’t always be there for him. When the holidays are over, he may lose his trust in me again. He would feel that nobody is there for him again. No one to trust, no one to speak to, no one to share a joke and giggles.

The nature of a person is no one likes to be alone. Sometime people did crazy things to attract other’s attentions. If you aren’t the one that always did crazy things, well f.y.i you’re the lucky one that always have somebody on your back. That’s why I teach myself never to take sides.

Say (All I Need)

One Republic.

Despise...

Sadly, there are just so many things that I despise in this world of mine.

Recently, I learned something:

"Harta yang paling besar ialah hati yang sentiasa syukur, dan lidah yang sentiasa zikir kepada Allah"

Yesterday, I hurt someone by my own words. I really didn't mean it. I'm sorry.

Today, I saw something that brings burden to me. I try so hard to just let it be. But I guess I can't. (oh, this so mean heart of mine!)

I Live My Life For You

Firehouse

"Mandi Minyak" haha ^^

Last friday was the third day I'm working in Lam Soon Edible Oil Sdn Bhd. I was in charge of bottle capping. Abg Zul and lao pan was helping me with the technical stuff at first. When I get the grip of how to handle the machine~ they would leave the machine on my responsibility.

The first one hour is okay, but then I lost my grip with the bottle and the machine. The bottle (with oil in it) was compressed and then the bottle "jumped" and the oil "fly" out and...you guess the rest.

Hahaha, I was covered with 'Naturel Canola Oil' from the top of my head.

Makcik 1: Ya Allah, kesian nya kau Dik...

Makcik 2: Dah, dah, awak pergi tandas dulu... (aku still terkebil2 kat situ)

Akak 1: Dik nanti kat tandas basuh cermin mata tu guna sabun nanti kelabu...

Akak 2: pergi tandas dulu dik...

Aku: Takpe kak, jap je lagi dah nak rehat. ^^

Makcik India: Mandi minyak ke!! hehe

It was a fun experience~ usually lao pan should get angry because the machine suppose to be operated non-stop~ the nature of 'keje kilang' haha. All the operators are helping me. I'm grateful.

Abg Zul was nice as ever.

Fan

Epik High

Lam Soon Sdn Bhd, again ^^

Today, I finally get a part time job in a local factory within my neighborhood.

Again, (after about 2 years) I'm working in Lam Soon Sdn Bhd. It is a factory which produce cooking oil like Knife, Minyak Cap Buruh, Canola oil, and packaging several kind of soap like May, Fruitale, Lux etc. Some workers there still remembered me and my sister who once had worked there for our previous holiday. ^^

Spending my holiday without working is a no-no for me since I left high-school.

But still I'm grateful with what I have. Anyway the money I earned is more precious than those gadgets and sparkling-eye-catching stuff that they didn't have to pay a single cent to own it. (sounded evil didn't I? haha^^)

However as human being, sometime I tend to be upset too. Seeing others can have whatever they want and still blabber about it, make my heart sick. (sounded kinda mad didn't I? ^^)

I don't mean to be harsh. Maybe this is how I soothe my aching heart. I'm always appear as a happy person because I choose to be a happy person. But it never meant that I won't get hurt.

"Syukur, aku masih disini,
Syukur, aku bernafas lagi,
Syukur, aku masih berdiri,
Masih ada kuasa dalam tubuh ini,"

Lagu Syukur

Altimet

I was born on...

Just wanted to share this interesting stuff hehe.

The sole breadwinner of my family

I don't know how to start.

hmm..It is now 11.35pm and my father isn't home yet. It's not a bad thing but it never failed to make me worry.

Since I heard he is driving the taxi again, I felt a relieved but it still worrisome for me. I remembered he used to call me a few years back, when he made a little accident every time he dozed off while driving~ he would have this trembling but a low tone in his voice and he said "kak yan, ayah accident lagi,". It will struck my heart but knowing that nothing happen to him, just that the taxi have to be fixed (and it will become more worrisome for him than me)~ I'll broke into silent tears.

I remembered, my first time of working.

I work as an operator in an oil factory~ on the very next day my body is aching and I had a slight fever but I kept it to myself. My father would first send me and my sister to the factory before finally off to work. In the car, I can see my father from the back. With the pain that I'm having because of work, I finally can see how my father have been enduring his pain while being the sole breadwinner of my family. I can finally understand what a single penny earned by one's hardship means.

Driving a taxi is not easy.

• The taxi that my father drive is not his~ therefore he must pay the rent of the taxi per day to the owner. ~therefore, whether he was able to find more customers or not, he must pay the taxi rent.
• Before he can drive a taxi he must first have a taxi license. He told me he spend about 1500++ for the license.
• When there is an accident~ my father had to pay for the 'fixing' part and sending the taxi to the workshop also means that his work will be pending. So while the taxi is being 'fixed', he can not earn anything.
• Accidents is likely to happen if you're easily dozing off while driving.

"Find a man with ambitions, not only a man with abilities. Because one day the abilities may dissapear..."

Money is not everything but everything needs money. One definition about money can be influenced by their environment, how they were raised, and their own experienced in life.

Seeing my father hardship in every single day make me wanna quick end up my student life and replace his place as soon as possible. My mother would always remind me "That's why, you should study harder and be successful. It is all that we have ever wanted from you,"

Ludwig Van Beethoven

Moonlight Sonata

No 27, 9

As guilty as charged ^^

It's been a while since I last wrote in my blog. Maybe because I only write when I felt extremely happy or sad about something. Well, maybe...

Since I'm home for my semester break, I have been spending my time watching a popular tv show "The Mentalist", hmm, it has been my favorite tv shows after CSI.

I'm looking for work as usual but there's nothing out there for me for the time being. I remembered how I used to work in a farm with my sisters, brothers, and father. My father work very hard for our family. He work as a taxi driver before he finally wanna take over this "farm" work from his friend. I remembered how we were working our lungs out in the middle of the 40+ acre of land beneath the striking sun from 7 o'clock in the morning until 6 o'clock in the evening. I remembered how burnt our skin were until I will harshly joked with myself that no one will ever marry me. ^^

I remembered my experienced of facing a big snake (my dad said it was 'ular kapak'). This kind of snake was common in this kind of land that was inside a palm tree estate. On that day, we were making fences so that wild boar will not get into the land and damaging newly planted palm tree. While digging the ground, suddenly my father heard sound on the bushes nearby, my father said "apa tu?" and pointing nearby. I didn't heard the sound so I just turned and looked at where he were pointing. And then there it was~ a snake. I thought it was a cobra bcoz only cobra can stand like that. I was amazed and terrified at the same time. I remembered that I wasn't that amazed if I saw a snake behind glass in a zoo (I'm not interested in zoos). But it was really different in this life threatening situation. Me and me dad keep stepping backward slowly, and to our terror that creature also slowly moved forward. I don't know what to do. I kept silent and only clinged to my father arm. My dad finally get some move~ he slowly picked something on the ground ( I don't quite know what it is becoz my eyes were locked on the snake) and threw it elsewhere. The snake doens't fall into it but it did turn his head. After sometime, that me and me dad and the snake had frozen the all time, the snake finally make it way into the bushes and vanished. Alhamdulillah, I didn't cried but no more seeing me playing by the bushes for no reason.

Working in the farm holds sweet and bitter memories. At least I knew how my mother use to work in the rubber estate in her childhood helping my late grandpa pa and grandma ma. At least I knew how my father spent his adolescent working in a factory. I love these experienced that taught me how life would feel in the hardest way. I'm happy for all these experiences although sometime I can still feel the agony in it. Difficulty in life is just one of the spices in life. Learn to live in it.

Schubert Serenade

Schubert.

The end of my sister's office management practical

besarkan kapal ni.... kapal kat kilang chika keje^^

Today is the last day of my sister's practical days. alhamdulillah. Yesterday, her company did a farewell session with all parting practical employee. Chika told me, she cried. I can't stand but just to giggle with the fact that she actually cried...hehe^^

I remembered how she loathes her office colleagues, the supervisors, and the gm himself. She told me that they had been so hard on her. I remembered giving her motivational phrases as much as I could so that she'll bare with it. But yesterday, in her farewell session with them, chika told me that all of them gives compliments to her. She cried in gratitudes and shock. They told her that she is a very polite employee, very patience, and done good and organised-work. haha^^

I'm glad that I told her before, "Be nice to people, anything could happen in the future, and you wouldn't know whom you can depend in our hardest time,".

I hope when I started practical in the future, I'm able to be as patience as her. hwaiting!!!

Wanna be strong like seungri. don't underestimate strong baby^^