"I'm not stupid"

"I'm not stupid" ~suddenly I remembered about this Singapore movie title. If I'm not mistaken, the movie was about Chinese children that are not so good in English, in their school (in Singapore). However they manage to cope with English together with their friends and family. good lor..(^^). Chinese people always struggle for their own place anywhere they were. I hope Malay people will always be like that too.

Yesterday was one of those tough days...My whole class were having our Pediatric's presentation for the first time in front of all the lecturers in my department. I presented the topic "Progressive Hearing Loss among Pediatrics". By the end of the presentations, our lecturers gave out their comments and all I can remember was that they were not very happy with most of our presentations. Sad, it really struck my heart. I felt really bad for my class. Although, I really felt like all my friends did present well, but hearing those kind of comments, I just can't stop felling bad for myself and started to find where my mistakes were. huhu. Oh Allah, I realized, that, I am not quite good in accepting critics..huhu (T_T). I shouldn't be, right?

By the end of the day I ended up cleaning my room. Hehe! I mopped my room, I mopped the stairs, I mopped the corridor...I don't quite know how to settle down this "regret" and "hopeless" feelings of mine. Oh, ottokeyo!.

After I heard every comments from my lecturers earlier, I was like "Is it that bad?" huhu. Maybe deep in my heart, I felt like "I should clean up this mess, stop felling bad for yourself for god sake!". At first, I was wondering around in my room when I got back..then I started to play with my laptop..then eventually I ended up mopping the floor with all these "regrets" and "hopeless" thought playing in my head. hehe. really funny. I guest that's how I settle down these crazy stuff that stuck in my head.

Today, I woke up with these "awkward" feelings. "Huh, am I going to class?". oh, I am. All these weird questions and self-answering stuff keep popping in my mind. As I entered the class, I took a deep breath and I said to myself "Yesterday was just one of those tough days of mine,". Alhamdulillah, my mind was calm and I was able to "suck up" all the lectures today including extra-class (masking topic) with kak fiza was going smooth.. only that I realized I'm not breathing normally, (I usually have normal kind of inhale and exhale) but today I was inhaling deeply- holding it longer than usual and exhaling it with a heavy sigh. huhu, am I still upset? with who? with myself of course. Lyanna, learn from mistakes.

"Kerana manusia rasa bangga bila dipuja, dan rasa kerdil bila dihina," ~ I knew I shouldn't be like that. Ingat pesan mama, "Jangan cepat melatah," ~I knew she's always right. ummi.

Advice worth listening #1

"Tough time doesn't stay, but tough people do,"
I heard this saying from a friend to a friend of a friend of mine.(^^)
Maybe some may ask "why me?" "why it have to be me?" "why?"
But let ask ourselves again, "why shouldn't it be me?" "why shouldn't it be us?". Everything happen for a reason. I believe I shouldn't be harsh to anyone. Although I'm not doing things as what I desired, I shouldn't be harsh on myself. Although other people doesn't seem to do well in something, I shouldn't be harsh on them too. I really hope no one is being harsh on my siblings no matter what their mistake were. Mistakes were meant to be corrected. Nobody is perfect. Well, almost nobody. Being harsh and being firm are two different thing. One can make someone felt like dying and another one can make someone learn making amendments from their mistakes.

It really took me by surprise...

It really took me by surprise how actually people can be kind to others. I love reading Reader Digest and in it's recent issue, it include some short true story about how people treat strangers with kindness. Kindness is a wonderful thing.

For me, by being kind, we can portray the beautifulness of Islam. Lets be kind, whether to a muslim or a non-muslim. Lets be kind to human, animals and other creatures.

It also took me by surprise how people can make others felt like crying or irritated or uneasy and pretend absolutely nothing happened. Truthfully, sometimes we do hurt people without knowing. By nature our hearts are fragile. We tend to take everything to heart easily or we tend to ignore what people's feelings are. Sometimes it is important for us to feel empathy towards others at least by not saying bad things about them. It's easy for us to make assumptions. But if you knew that the assumptions you make may upset the person concerned then by keeping it to yourself is the best way.

As I get older..uhuk uhuk

I’ve read a blog of a friend to a friend of mine~ he wrote something about his family. He listed down his memorable memories in his childhood. Sweet and valuable. When I went through it, it makes me recall my treasured memories of childhood as well. Funny and silly memories of mine. Yes, fighting and being at each other’s throats is the bread and butter of siblings. In the end of the fights we always realize how much we hate and love each other. Hehe (n_n)
Frankly, there are times when I felt I'm falling apart because of my family. To my despair, I felt useless and I felt like I've done nothing that pleased my mom and my dad. Nevertheless, even though I felt I never done them proud, I believe that they are always proud of me in every little thing I've done that I didn’t realized.
Mughirah bin Shu'bah(ra) related that Rasulullah(saw) said, "verily, Allah forbids you from disobeying your parents." 
General meaning; Allah commands every Muslim to care for his parents properly, with kindness and courtesy. We are to heed their advice. Never show our stubbornness and disobey them with harsh words. As their child, we should repay their kindness in providing for and bringing us up. To disobey our parents is a disgraceful act and a serious sin.(http://islamickids.tripod.com/hadith. html)
As I grew older (and as the oldest child in my family) I've learned that I must be strong for my mom, my dad, and siblings. I love you guys. Mama, ayah, iqah, hafiz, addin, nash, sai, hajar, and amir..Saranghae <3. Stay strong as you guys always do.
Truthfully, I am not as bright as others. I find myself struggling in every little, tiny, and small things in my studies. I don’t quite good at judging people but as for judging myself I've always put myself at the bottom. I'm lack of confident, social skills and self esteem. Alhamdulillah, although I always have no hope in myself but I always have faith in Allah. In my hardest time, I find the easiest way to get back on my feet again is by remembering You Allah…alhamdulillah…
It's easy to be sad. But Allah had mentioned in the Al-Quran, "La Tahzan" and emphasized the reasons not to be sad.
"Life is short than most have thought," (quoted from Maher Zain hehe). My only hope for myself and my family is that we can sail through this life with iman and ended this life in Iman. InsyaAllah.
p/s~ the despair, misery, depression, and disappointment that sometime we face in our life is actually the reaction of our body upon transition of one selves to a new stage of life (as we get older), a new environment (as we go places), and sign of maturity. That's my opinion. It just the matter of how we handle and cope with it… (many, did go insane~but if we have faith in Allah, He'll protect us)
"As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed as ignorant as you were at twenty-two, you'd always be twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it." 
— Mitch Albom (Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson)

Open my eyes, my heart, and my mind

Lets open our eyes, heart, and mind. Let go something that had passed and strive excellent for everything we are about to do. Lets not burden ourselves with our own mind settings. Learn to let go Lyanna.

Assignments and examination huhu

After one by one of my friends is leaving me for the mid-break, I felt like I'm getting hopeless and helpless. huhu.
I guess I have to list down my works...

1. article reviewing~communication disorder presentation and reports,
2. progressive hearing loss presentation and reports,
3. EAP's animal testing homework,
4. EAP's introduction draft,
5. parenting essay.

Start it with bismillah and work on it slowly Lyanna. As what my lecturer told me, do something slowly but with quality people. As what my mom told me "alon-alon asal selakon".
To all my friends who are heading home right now, I wish you guys treasure every moment that you guys gonna spent with your love ones~family and friends. Life is shorter than most have thought.
To my family~ no matter how far I might be, I've always love you all. To Amir, sorry Kak yan can't be home this holiday~Amir must have been waiting for the KFC ayah's had promised right? sorry amir. To Adin, sorry Kak Yan cant be home and bring your things. I cant promised you guys that I'll be home this coming Chinese new year holiday. But insyaAllah I will.

I miss my mom.

I miss my mom, yet I'm not able to be home right now...
Although it's gonna be my midterm break (the whole week starting tomorrow), I guess I just have to stay for my assignments and examinations.
But actually, I don't feel like going home not because of my papers or assignments. Mom can you please come kuantan? There's so many things that I wanted to tell you. I really hope I can be by your side every moment. Thanks for having me. I hope he doesn't hurt you anymore. Please bear with him like you always do. I promised to finish my study and I'm gonna do something about it. I love you mama.

2nd place- Interkuliyyah 2010 volleyball

Yesterday, it was our final game between allied health sciences society and sciences society. I was quite nervous because all of the volleyball players of sciences played for university level.
What I told to my teammates was "main jer, tak yah takut-kalo korang takut, akak lagi takut" huhu...my hands was already cold as ice.
We already in lead when suddenly I sprained my ankle again! It was really disappointing for me..even kak fiey was there.
And that's it. Our team get number two and sciences is the champion..however, sciences did deserved for the first place- they worked hard.

No pain no gain lyanna

I never had a sprained ankle as bad as what i just had the past 3 weeks.
It was swollen until the doctor suspected that maybe I was having dislocation. But luckily my x-ray said severe swelling in the soft tissues of my ankle.
I don't know what went wrong that day but as I jump for the ball on the net, I just landed with my right ankle bend inwards and I was on the court floor crying hysterically in pain. That night Kak Lin was willingly to help me, she applied ice on my swollen ankle the whole night. She maybe just slept about 2 hours or less. It was a bad experience for me. The pain was unbearable but I just kept it inside and close my eyes, I don't want Kak Lin to stay up the whole night comforting me. I even felt like I wont be able to play anymore...it really really hurts.
Oh, and did I tell you that I badly sprained my ankle just one day before my big tournament "SIPTAR 2009". I felt bad for my team and myself. But hey, this is what called as "takdir". It's all been written by Him and as Muslim I must believed that there maybe a reason behind it.
Last Monday, I was my first game in the Interkuliyyah Games Tournament 2010. My team "Allied Health Sciences Society" was facing "Medic Students". Alhamdulillah, my team was able to defeat them 2-1.
Yesterday we were facing "Nursing Students" and unfortunately we lose to them, 2-0. I even injured my knee this time and tore down another track bottom of mine..huhu. But I remembered through the game, someone among the people who came watching the game yelled "No pain, no gain YANA!" and deep inside I know it's true...

My New Year's Wish

2010, I wish I can be a better person this year. I really hope I can be a person that doesn't get easily angry. I hope I can follow my beloved prophet's characteristic. I really hope I can change myself for the better!